I've Got Some 'Spaining to Do

Spanish Rules for Going to the Beach

1. Pack up a minimum of three separate coolers, each packed to the gills with drinks, prepared dishes, and magic.

2. Pack fold-up chairs, a table, three umbrellas, a rug, a generator, and a butler.

3. Stay on the beach all day long. Do not let things things like hunger prevent you from meeting this goal (see #1). If the children whine, a simple vamos and a gesture towards the waves is sufficient.

4. Clothing is optional. Read topless. Change diapers topless. Make cheese sandwiches topless. Own it.

5. If you are a child, the best sunscreen in the world is full nudity.

My Rules for Going to the Beach

1. Tuck 5 euro into my pocket.

2. Find a Spanish friend and reap the benefits.

American Playdates

1. Beforehand, scan Pinterest for age-appropriate and educational activities, crafts, and healthful snacks.

2. Hover.

Spanish Playdates

1. Watch TV while the children run back and forth between houses.

2. Although it is possible that their turtle ate your turtle over the course of the playdate, it’s also possible that the turtle is simply hiding under a broken wasp nest.

Final Grades in America

1. Child brings home grades on the last day of school, or they come in the mail.

Final Grades in Spain.

1. Over the course of two days, attend two forty-minute-long meetings where they hand out the grades. There are  a lot of gestures and arguments. And smoking.

American Playdate Snacks

1. Granola Bars, fruit, goldfish crackers.

Spanish Playdate Snacks

2. Fried Cuttlefish.